Cascade Crew

[alloy]

Found this on TGO. Thought it was kinda funny.


Haynes: Rotate anti-clockwise
Translation: Clamp with vice grips then beat repeatedly with hammer anti-clockwise

Haynes: This is a snug fit
Translation: Clamp with vice grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start

Haynes: Pry
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into

Haynes: Undo
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size)

Haynes: Retain tiny spring
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Lightly
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with vice grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: Weekly checks
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it

Haynes: Routine maintenance
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be We warned

Haynes: One spanner rating
Translation: An infant could do this so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two-spanner rating
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you)

Haynes: Three-spanner rating
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days

Haynes: Four-spanner rating
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five-spanner rating
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Haynes: Compress
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some vice grips and a hammer

Haynes: Carefully
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions

Haynes: Retaining nuts
Translation: Yes that’s it, that big spherical blobs of rust

Haynes: Get an assistant
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal
Translation: Yeah, right But you swear in different places

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs
Translation: Snap off

Haynes: Using a suitable drift
Translation: Clamp with vice grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother Alternatively, clamp with vice grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do
---
Tool box
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SC! RAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Batt! le of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the obj! ect we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage While yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in
foresight.

[Xophertony]

i laughed aloud at this alot. and alot of it rings very true.

[aaron_sK]

Love it!

[Dewey316]

[Xophertony]

i think if i had any "famous last words" with car stuff it would probably be..

"am i turning this the wrong way.. *SNAP* oh.. no i was not."
that or
"do you smell gas"?

[alloy]

I think my favorite for me is..........."The parts store closed when?......Crap "

And after getting a 2 stage air compressor with 175psi, below is also a favorite of mine. Except mine doesn't round them off, snaps then clean with my CP750 gun. Even ARP wheel studs. Got to remember to turn the power down on that gun next time

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.

[Quasi-Traction]

These were my favorites:

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start

Haynes: Undo
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size)

Haynes: Retain tiny spring
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Weekly checks
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it

Haynes: One spanner rating
Translation: An infant could do this so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Three-spanner rating
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days

Haynes: Four-spanner rating
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Compress
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some vice grips and a hammer

Haynes: Carefully
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions

Haynes: Get an assistant
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal
Translation: Yeah, right But you swear in different places

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs
Translation: Snap off

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage While yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in
foresight.

ah good stuff

[Al Hasse]

My favorites are the "creative " uses for vise grips and hammer

[RSFreak]

And I love how they say, "remove such-and-such." But forget to mention that removing such-and-such is a twenty step process which will require at least 3 trips to the parts store!

[alloy]

Well..........just fiigured out why I snapped the wheel stud so easily. The specs for my gun are below.......ultimate torque 425@ 90psi. I was running 175 psi

CP750="Working Torque Range: 25-310 Ft/Lbs.Ultimate Torque @ 90 PSI: 425 Ft/Lbs.

[83Z28BlackBetty]

that was a good laugh. I can't say how many times I've said those
~JAKE

[Xophertony]